Hey dude, how's life? I really wonder how are you doing there. Tidak bersua di udara kali ini yang terlama ya. Setidaknya untukku, bagaimana denganmu? Apakah waktumu berjalan dengan lambat juga? Waktuku berjalan amat sangat lambat terutama di malam hari menjelang pagi. Di saat mekanisme tubuh yang terlalu terbiasa berjalan terbalik. Pecandu malam yang ditemani pecandu malam yang lain, yang sekarang memilih putus hubungan. Sekarang aku harus terbiasa sakaw sendiri, oh tidak benar-benar sendiri. Passenger, Jason Mraz, Birdy, Placebo, Sixpence None the Reacher, Simon & Garfunkel, Jes Hudak, Frente, and our lovely Lana Del Rey (if you still remember) menemaniku menyusuri malam hingga pagi.
Well, here is the update about me. I will let you know cause you absolutely know that i only can talk to you. Many things happened in my life and honestly its not as bad as i thought before. Tentu kamu tau jelas jika melewati hari-hari tanpamu sungguh tidak mudah. Terutama di malam terakhir kita berbincang, my turning point, my wake up call. I know that I make a mistake for pushing you to your limit. I really appreciate you wake up when i call and try to cheer me up. I shouldn't text you like that, I know, apologize. Tapi aku kecewa ketika aku sadar kamu sengaja menonaktifkan telepon malam itu. I texted you and (of course) its not delivered. I dont know if you received my text in the morning after but what make me more disappointed is that you dont reply. Hanya menjabarkan sedikit, malam itu berakhir dengan tidak begitu baik. Pertama kalinya aku mengekspresikan kekecewaan dan kekesalan dengan menyakiti diri sendiri. Tenang saja, aku tidak apa. Hanya beberapa memar di telapak tangan dan bengkaknya menghilang dua hari kemudian.
Couples day after, I decided to talk with my dad at 2 a.m. He was on his way back home when I call him. He listen to me very carefully even I spent the first 3 minutes crying and say nothing. He keeps asking me "Kenapa nak? Cerita" which make me more sad and cry even harder. Kalau-kalau kamu penasaran dengan yang kurasakan, aku merasa beliau masih ada meskipun kamu memaksaku keluar dari hidupmu. Mind my word, just telling you the truth, dude. Then I end up with so many new perspective and calmer heart.
Still at the same week, I heard from a person. A 'clever' one they said. Actually I never ask about my problem but a friend ask it for me. The 'clever' one said that she is pitying me, because i feel alone and lonely in this world. No one can understand me (its pretty right). And you are my answer, I feel so comfy when i talking to you, hearing you, communicating with you, being with you. But you never serious with me. What you are doing is just play "pull and push" for keeping me attached. She even said that you never loved me, who you are really love is her, since long time ago. Kinda ironic, right? Finally i hear some rude things and words that i dont want to hear from total stranger. Wanna know my feeling that time. Empty. I just keep silent, try to catch my breath, and smile. Is it right? You got the answer. Tell me whenever you ready, i will prepare for the worst. Dont worry, I keep practicing when I try killing my lonely time at night. I wont do something irresponsible and stupid like before.
A week after, I went to this vihara. Meeting the other 'clever' to ask about my future, oh yes, you also include. The very first time I ask about my love life to someone who I think know and understand life better than me, the ordinary. Wondering what did she said about us, dude? She says that actually we got all the chemistry and soulmate things. But it wont be an easy path, need more effort and struggle. Well, which I realize that you wont, I live too long to understand that better than everyone. Well, every man in my life always give up then leave me too soon. So she said if i could, i should give up trying on us, open my heart, let the biggest part of it go and start over. As my whatever friend, do you think i can do that? If the part that i have to let go is big then how much is the rest? Do you think all selfish man around me can fully or maybe half-y understand? Oh almost forget, there's also the good news. Beside that chemistry and soulmate things that we got, if i want, i can wait. At least a year until i got the answer. But she keep remind me 'at least a year', she continued 'it can take longer, its up to you, dear.' What should I do, whatever friend? I really have no idea what should i do next? For better life, of course.
Then I remember that we have that promise. I will got clear answer plus explanation (if I'm lucky) on december 25th. So I've decided that I will wait until that day. Oh for the other promises I've made, I wont be at any club and arrive at home at least before 2am. I will also pursue my dream, you should pursue yours, like we promised. But what you have to remember, dont do it for anyone else except you, you have to do it for yourself!!! I will always be right here (or right there, just choose what phrase you think is right) for you. You can always have me as your whatever friend or your personal banana. Oh, and remember that i will always need you as my personal potato, boyfriend, lover, enemy, thunder budies and whatever friend. I miss our late night conversation about music, book, football, way of life, dream, love, and all adult thing. And i still really want to hug and kiss you, sleeping on the same bed, having pillow talk and other thing we haven't.
Good luck for your life, dude!! There's still long road to heaven!!
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