Today

Hey Dude, how's life?

Hampir tiga minggu tanpa komunikasi, yang menakjubkan saya tidak mencoba menghubungimu. Padahal hari hari awal, saya merasa tidak akan pernah membiasakan diri sendiri, karena sebulan terakhir kamu selalu ada di sini (sana). I miss you as always, cuma belakangan hidup terasa lebih ringan. I hope you are happy reading this and knowing that i'm okay for real. The quotes said that times will heal and fix everything is damn right. What makes it more true is that event we want to, we wont ever be able to stop of turn back the time. Dan seiring berjalannya, mau tidak mau hati dan pikiran akan menyesuaikan.

Well, even I'm still missing you and cant forget everything i dont want to forget, kadang teringat tentang hal-hal kecil dan bodoh yang pernah kita obrolkan di udara. Banyak hal yang memaksa ingatan kembali ke sana. Tentang bahagia saat bersama dalam waktu singkat. Terima kasih, sayang. For the condition that makes me pushing myself to another great step in my life, for letting me down so i can lift myself up. Thanks for everything.

Loving someone

Got your message this afternoon, you said that I'm ignoring your call and told me that now your XL number is unreachable. I was surprised!! Actually I tried to reach you couple days ago. I try to call but your number is out of area, texted u but no delivery report. Until this afternoon, question is, did u got my text to your other number? If no, what kind of nonverbal communication we did? Oh yeah, I replied and you didnt reply back. Thats fine, I am getting used to with that bad habit.

Honestly, this night I visit your girlfriend's ex-facebook. Found it accidentally when I simply type her name. How do I know her name? I did asked, remember? I know this is not a good habit, guess you also agree that this is so not me. But its pretty fun, though. Now i know the feeling of the stalker and detective when they got information that they are looking for. Thats not the point of the story, haha.

What actually I want to complaint is, why you date that kind of girl? You know, aku sungguh tidak berhak menilai, sungguh. But I cant help myself. Jadi kalau kamu menemukan bahwa membaca ini membuatmu bertambah kesal dan marah tanpa alasan. Klik saja tanda 'silang' di atas sana. Dude, your girlfriend is so immature. Aku menemukan dirinya sekitar tiga tahun yang lalu, melihat beberapa foto dan membaca captionnya. Dan entah kenapa aku kecewa, not her, but you. You reject me and choose that girl instead of me. Just because you guys aren't separated by distance and she is more reasonable, you said?  Oh come on, you better give me more explanation and i really hope its clever enough for my brain. To be fair, maybe I dont see what you see in her. Aku tahu dia banyak membantu dan menemanimu, aku amat sangat tahu. Tapi lebih baik kamu punya alasan yang lebih pintar daripada sekedar hutang budi dan mungkin sedikit rasa kasihan. Sungguh aku sadar aku tidak berhak bicara begini, maaf kalo aku kelewatan. Sekali lagi, kalau tidak tahan, just leave this page.

What suddenly came into my mind is, mungkin kalau kata orang yang minum tolak angin itu benar. "He never love you since the very first time, the one he love is her. What he do is only play 'pull and push' because he feel comfortable talking with you". Mungkin jika dia benar, mungkin jika semua ini memang bagian dari permainan, entah permainan siapa, siapa mempermainkan siapa dan siapa dipermainkan siapa. Dan memang benar adanya kalau kamu mencintainya sejak kali pertama, aku rela. Belum sampai ke tahap ikhlas memang. Tapi aku rela. Setidaknya itu pilihanmu dengan orang yang kamu cintai. Orang yang menurutmu tepat. Mengecewakan memang. Bukan karena aku kehilangan kamu, dude. Tapi karena kamu bersama dengan orang yang menurutku tidak akan bisa membahagiakanmu seperti yang aku bisa. Well, thats my own opinion. Just ignore! And in the opposite, sisi egoisku berkata kalau kamu toh tidak akan pernah bisa menghapus aku hanya karena kamu memilih untuk bersamanya. She will never be able to replace me!! We both know that, atau bila kamu menyangkal, at least I know that for sure. You wont be as happy as you are with me. I bet that. Well, good luck. Now I guess I will leave all of the decision to you until that day we promised before. Feel free to contact me like I will contact you whenever I want. We still have enough time for making the beautiful memories. At least we can be a whatever friend.


Oh, i forgot to tell you my new definition of the most beautiful and painful things in the world.

Loving someone is about letting him/her go and see if he/she is return

Or in my case, it can be combine with my perspective i've told you many times

Loving you is all about letting you go and see if you return. But dont forget, I wont always stand here or stand alone

Oh, dont you think thats perfectly beautiful. I love you, dude

Long Road to Heaven

Hey dude, how's life? I really wonder how are you doing there. Tidak bersua di udara kali ini yang terlama ya. Setidaknya untukku, bagaimana denganmu? Apakah waktumu berjalan dengan lambat juga? Waktuku berjalan amat sangat lambat terutama di malam hari menjelang pagi. Di saat mekanisme tubuh yang terlalu terbiasa berjalan terbalik. Pecandu malam yang ditemani pecandu malam yang lain, yang sekarang memilih putus hubungan. Sekarang aku harus terbiasa sakaw sendiri, oh tidak benar-benar sendiri. Passenger, Jason Mraz, Birdy, Placebo, Sixpence None the Reacher, Simon & Garfunkel, Jes Hudak, Frente, and our lovely Lana Del Rey (if you still remember) menemaniku menyusuri malam hingga pagi.

Well, here is the update about me. I will let you know cause you absolutely know that i only can talk to you. Many things happened in my life and honestly its not as bad as i thought before. Tentu kamu tau jelas jika melewati hari-hari tanpamu sungguh tidak mudah. Terutama di malam terakhir kita berbincang, my turning point, my wake up call. I know that I make a mistake for pushing you to your limit. I really appreciate you wake up when i call and try to cheer me up. I shouldn't text you like that, I know, apologize. Tapi aku kecewa ketika aku sadar kamu sengaja menonaktifkan telepon malam itu. I texted you and (of course) its not delivered. I dont know if you received my text in the morning after but what make me more disappointed is that you dont reply. Hanya menjabarkan sedikit, malam itu berakhir dengan tidak begitu baik. Pertama kalinya aku mengekspresikan kekecewaan dan kekesalan dengan menyakiti diri sendiri. Tenang saja, aku tidak apa. Hanya beberapa memar di telapak tangan dan bengkaknya menghilang dua hari kemudian.

Couples day after, I decided to talk with my dad at 2 a.m. He was on his way back home when I call him. He listen to me very carefully even I spent the first 3 minutes crying and say nothing. He keeps asking me "Kenapa nak? Cerita" which make me more sad and cry even harder. Kalau-kalau kamu penasaran dengan yang kurasakan, aku merasa beliau masih ada meskipun kamu memaksaku keluar dari hidupmu. Mind my word, just telling you the truth, dude. Then I end up with so many new perspective and calmer heart.

Still at the same week, I heard from a person. A 'clever' one they said. Actually I never ask about my problem but a friend ask it for me. The 'clever' one said that she is pitying me, because i feel alone and lonely in this world. No one can understand me (its pretty right). And you are my answer, I feel so comfy when i talking to you, hearing you, communicating with you, being with you. But you never serious with me. What you are doing is just play "pull and push" for keeping me attached. She even said that you never loved me, who you are really love is her, since long time ago. Kinda ironic, right? Finally i hear some rude things and words that i dont want to hear from total stranger. Wanna know my feeling that time. Empty. I just keep silent, try to catch my breath, and smile. Is it right? You got the answer. Tell me whenever you ready, i will prepare for the worst. Dont worry, I keep practicing when I try killing my lonely time at night. I wont do something irresponsible and stupid like before.

A week after, I went to this vihara. Meeting the other 'clever' to ask about my future, oh yes, you also include. The very first time I ask about my love life to someone who I think know and understand life better than me, the ordinary. Wondering what did she said about us, dude? She says that actually we got all the chemistry and soulmate things. But it wont be an easy path, need more effort and struggle. Well, which I realize that you wont, I live too long to understand that better than everyone. Well, every man in my life always give up then leave me too soon. So she said if i could, i should give up trying on us, open my heart, let the biggest part of it go and start over.  As my whatever friend, do you think i can do that? If the part that i have to let go is big then how much is the rest? Do you think all selfish man around me can fully or maybe half-y understand? Oh almost forget, there's also the good news. Beside that chemistry and soulmate things that we got, if i want, i can wait. At least a year until i got the answer. But she keep remind me 'at least a year', she continued 'it can take longer, its up to you, dear.' What should I do, whatever friend? I really have no idea what should i do next? For better life, of course.

Then I remember that we have that promise. I will got clear answer plus explanation (if I'm lucky) on december 25th. So I've decided that I will wait until that day. Oh for the other promises I've made, I wont be at any club and arrive at home at least before 2am. I will also pursue my dream, you should pursue yours, like we promised. But what you have to remember, dont do it for anyone else except you, you have to do it for yourself!!! I will always be right here (or right there, just choose what phrase you think is right) for you. You can always have me as your whatever friend or your personal banana. Oh, and remember that i will always need you as my personal potato, boyfriend, lover, enemy, thunder budies and whatever friend. I miss our late night conversation about music, book, football, way of life, dream, love, and all adult thing. And i still really want to hug and kiss you, sleeping on the same bed, having pillow talk and other thing we haven't.

Good luck for your life, dude!! There's still long road to heaven!!